SANTA CRUZ — The last time Heather Pope saw her parents was two weeks before the November election during a brief visit from Utah.
Leaving behind her same-sex partner of seven years and their 7-month-old daughter, Pope was aware of the controversy unfolding with California’s Proposition 8, the ballot measure that would establish a constitutional ban on gay marriage. But she didn’t realize just how personal the political fight would become.
On the lawn of her parents’ large house on the northern edge of Santa Cruz, where she had lived a little more than a decade ago, was a sign advocating passage of Proposition 8.
“It felt like a smack in the face,” said Pope, who knew her family opposed gay marriage but, at 31, didn’t expect their longtime differences would get to her. “It’s funny that those things still bother me, but it did.”
The disappointment, Pope knew, would run both ways.
For her parents, who had surrounded her with a close-knit family, given her a good education and grounded her in the Mormon faith, Heather’s personal life was a personal affront.
Her parents’ convictions ran deep. Heather’s mother had stood on street corners and raised placards in support of Proposition 8. Her parents together gave $60,000 to the Yes on 8 campaign — more than anyone in Santa Cruz County and among the biggest individual donations in the state.
Since Pope was in town to see her 14-year-old sister, she was determined to keep the issues
with her parents from detracting from the visit. As she’d learned to do years ago, she would ignore the subject of her sexuality and leave the matter outside the home, even as the political signs stood in the front yard.
Today, months after the nation’s most-watched ballot measure sailed to victory and barred same-sex marriage, the Proposition 8 sign no longer stands in front of the Pope house. The debate, however, continues.
The state Supreme Court will hear arguments today challenging the legality of Proposition 8, while for those like Heather whose families struggle to accept homosexuality, the issues at home remain equally unsettled.
A religious home
The Pope family home not far off Highway 17 in the Carbonera neighborhood is filled with musical instruments, sports equipment and the usual things you’d find in a place where five children have grown up.
It’s also a home that has embraced the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with its traditional values and opposition to homosexuality.
“I have the responsibility to raise my family in the ways I see as appropriate,” said Charles Pope, who joined his wife in an interview with the Sentinel in the living room of their home after the election.
The biggest reason the couple supports Proposition 8 and why they gave tens of thousands of dollars to the campaign, Gloria and Charles say, is to make sure the right message is sent to kids.
“For children growing up, thinking that they can go either way, I don’t think that’s healthy for society,” Gloria said. “Let’s give them the opportunity to learn about biology and reproduction before they have to deal with this.”
For Charles, the problem was that the courts stepped in and, despite successful voter initiatives outlawing gay marriage, sanctioned something that goes against his core values.
“I don’t impose my beliefs on them,” he said. “I don’t want them to impose their beliefs on me.”
As a top manager at Seagate Technology, Charles said that he goes out of his way to keep his personal beliefs to himself, at least in public.
When an unmarried underling asked for time off after she became pregnant, for example, Charles said he was happy to accommodate her request and offer support. After another conversation with a co-worker brought to light his opposition to unmarried couples living together, his cohabiting colleague was surprised, Charles said, because his feelings had not been evident.
“I put all these people in the category of immoral,” he said. “But has that affected our working relationship? No.”
When it comes to their daughter Heather, Charles and Gloria’s position is not compromised.
“There is a moral implication to acting on same-sex attraction,” Charles said.
Gloria adds, “I’m still sad she didn’t choose to fight it and live without the sexual intimacy.”
They love her, they say, but not the way she lives. On their somewhat regular but “tense” visits with her, they say they try to ignore her lifestyle and say it’s easier when her partner and child aren’t around.
The tough truth
Heather came out to her parents 10 years ago, during a telephone conversation she says she rehearsed in her head but that still didn’t come out as planned.
“At the time I told them I was bisexual,” she said, speaking by phone from Utah. “I hadn’t ruled out same-sex relationships, but felt like that was a softer blow.”
Her parents didn’t expect it.
“When she told us, we were in shock, we were depressed, all the reactions you can imagine,” Gloria said.
Heather had already left Santa Cruz for college at Utah State University in Logan; she would later meet her partner Kasey in Salt Lake City. They bought a home together in the small town of Goshen, outside Provo.
By then, Heather’s parents realized there was little they could do to change their daughter, outside hoping her Mormon upbringing would catch up with her.
Heather, who works as a graphic designer, says she still considers herself religious and sympathizes with elements of the Mormon Church.
“It’s hard to sever your roots,” she said. “I’ve done a lot of searching of religions and just haven’t found my niche.”
Many of the family values and the sense of community she learned from her parents have stuck with her. She e-mails pictures of her daughter, Zoe, to her parents and shares stories about her new family over the phone.
Her parents try to reciprocate, sending gifts to Zoe and Kasey and including them in family events.
But Heather says the attempts to connect fall short.
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